stressed

My stress level is really high today.  Just a lot of little things adding up.  I do not have any time to plan lessons or organize myself and try to figure out what I'm doing.  There are so many things I feel like I can't do and I know I'm not doing a lot of things that I am really supposed to be doing so I am definitely going to get into trouble.  Teaching eight classes a day is too many classes, and not having any books to teach from and even after three weeks here still not knowing everyone's names 100% is making me crazy.  Usually I am ok in Japan but today is one of those times that I really just want to go home.  Just feeling extremely anxious.

Sorrow

Today as I walked to work, I could smell the lingering scent of incense in the air.  As errant snowflakes drifted by my face, I could feel my eyes begin to fill with water from the touch of the wind, as though it were trying to steal tears.  My heart feels the cold more acutely than usual.  People are saying we should buy toilet paper because the companies that produce toilet paper may be among those that close down to save power.  I really do need toilet paper regardless because I only have one roll left but they were sold out at at the store.  No bread left either, not even my beloved strawberry milk bread.  I should be safe enough where I am but it's still scary, and my heart is still overflowing.  As I write this the ground shook again for about a second.

Shaking

The room shook a bit just now.  More than Earthquakes I'm mostly worried about being exposed to radiation.  I'm only about three hours away from Tokyo which isn't nearly far enough if anything serious happens.  Today at school we didn't use the heat or any of the lights unless we had to in an attempt to conserve power.  I hear that plane tickets home currently cost more money than I have because nobody really wants to stick around given the situation.  Nice to think that I would have to take out a loan to get home if I needed to.

stayed inside

Today I mostly sat around and watched the news on tv and looked up updates online that were actually in English.  Every once in a while the building would shake for about a second, so there are either aftershocks or the construction nearby is enough to make the building shake.  Not bad enough shaking to make anything fall but still mildly startling.  All eight channels on the television are constantly covering news on the earthquake, tsunami, and nuclear power plant situations.  I can't understand most of the words on the television but sometimes you don't have to.  I understand their tears and downcast faces well enough.  A lot of the people I trained with, particularly those closer to Tokyo, have been saying there is very little food at the grocery stores because people are buying food and water up in case of emergencies.  I didn't have problems when I bought food on Saturday night, but I'm further away than they are since I'm about three hours north of Tokyo in Matsumoto.

Wandering around.

Today I wandered around in Matsumoto like a lost puppy.  I woke up and left the apartment at about 9:20AM and decided to try to find a church.  They were doing construction around the apartment so the road was blocked off and the construction guy said something I didn't understand so I just said ok and walked off.

 I went to the church and a nice person pointed out the English translations they had available for the sermon.  The sermon was different.  Only wafers and not wine and you bow instead of shaking hands or hugging when it's time to greet your neighbors.  And of course, it was all in Japanese.  After the service I wandered around and found other churches of mysterious type that were marked on the map since there was no English translation under their signs.

  Then I went and bought a book, and then I went to a bakery and bought some bread.  Japanese sweets are nice, they are not excessively sweet.  I think it will be a while before I go into a shop again because I do not like feeling like I am doing things horribly wrong and hate being a bother to the cashiers since I don't understand anything.  I can just keep going to the grocery store.  They ask the same question every time so I know what they want even if I don't understand them.  They always ask if you want a bag and I just say yes and then go to the little tables and put my things in the bags.

I tried to go back after this but saw the construction workers were there still and didn't know if I was allowed to go back so I wandered off towards the mountains and got lost for a while.  I ended up at a park that was the opposite direction I had started out walking towards but didn't know which direction I was looking at the park from on the map. So I just kept walking away from mountains until I hit a big enough road that it had a sign saying the castle was in a certain direction and I followed that until I saw the sign for the mall which is next to my house.  Then I went back and the construction guy was like yes yes you can come in.  And I sat under my Kotatsu and ate my bread and pastry thing I had bought at the store.  Guess I was worried for nothing.

I feel sad thinking of the Earthquake.  Thankfully I was not involved for the most part.  There was certainly shaking where I am.  I thought I was getting dizzy at first since it seemed like the room was spinning but even after I sat down and put my head on the table the door was still moving back and forth so I realized it was an Earthquake and not me getting sick.  It came again at 4am and woke me up and I remember thinking I was glad there was nothing to fall on me since everything in Japan is on the floor before falling asleep.  It wasn't strong enough to knock anything over or off tables though.  The good thing about being surrounded by cold snowy Mountains on all sides means there isn't much fear of tsunamis.